15 Reasons…

June 20, 2011 at 5:31 pm 2 comments

…or why I would not survive in a time travel/medieval romance.

Sure, it may sound sexy. Going back in time and falling for some super hot baron or laird or prince, but the reality is simple: I wouldn’t even make it to my happy ever after. Yeah, I may meet the dude, but come on folks, if I were sent back in time…my ending would probably be less than Disney.

Yeah...so would not end well!

Here’s why:

1. I can’t ride a horse. Problem. It would look super suspicious and it would mean I would probably be killed when I fell off my dear mount and down a steep cliff/ravine or when I was unable to outrun some roving band of thieves wandering the woods. Thus resulting in my murder and the capture of Mr. Horse. Opps?

2. I can’t understand Middle English. Read it? Yes, understand it when people are speaking it? Hell no! Which leads to…

3. My Middle English accent is terrible! So bad my professor would laugh as I read from our books. “Shay, Lizzie, Shay! Not she!”

4. I probably would gag at the food they ate. Yuck-o man! Thanks but no thanks to that trencher of salted god-knows-what…

5. That said, I would then starve to death longing for a cheeseburger. Or in a caffeine withdrawal induced rage kill someone and then be executed.

20110620-052952.jpg

I love medieval romances...I just don't want to actually live one!

6. I can’t handle not having a shower every day. And a life without indoor plumbing? Not sweet. At all.

7. I need a toothbrush. A proper toothbrush. And a dentist.

8. I have no useful skills. Meaning I cannot stitch, farm, cook with or without my modern kitchen, or anything else helpful. I can read…

9. I can read. I am a woman who can read. May be a problem since I’m not a nun…

10. I’m not Catholic. At all. Never have been.

11. I don’t know any of the prayers, practices or traditions in Catholicism. Thus making me a witch…or a Lollard … Or just a heretic.

12. I might be mistaken for a man with my modern clothes and short hair.

13. A day without Internet on my laptop and I am typing this post on my phone. Try me in freakin medieval England. Not good.

14. I would probably get some disease and die. Like the plague. Oh I would so get the plague.

15. A medieval man would drive me insane. I’m too modern. I like my independence and speaking my mind. A medieval baron would just be too…medieval.

So there you go! 15 reasons for why I will never travel back in time. That and I don’t have a time machine/worm hole/fairy ring. Thank God!

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Entry filed under: Random Life of Lizzie. Tags: , , , .

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2 Comments Add your own

  • 1. dogsear  |  June 21, 2011 at 6:28 pm

    You need to see Midnight In Paris, the new Woody Allen movie. Your post today reminded me of it.

    Reply
  • 2. Julia  |  June 23, 2011 at 6:32 pm

    False conceptions! Medieval people bathed! Early Modern people did not! Medieval people had no illusions that water was unhealthy and bathed as often as they were able to … not that they were clean, mind you, but they definitely didn’t subscribe to the once a year policy …

    Reply

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